This is not a new review. It is a revamped review from the Kev and Spike archives. Original review date is 11/01/1996

Over the years, platform games seemed to dominate the arcades. From Mario brothers, to this very day where you would find Sonic running over the screens. Here's one that Capcom knocked up back in 1988. Bionic Commandos. The name became singular when Tiertex got their mits on the rights to the conversion, made a b****cks of it as far as I'm concerned. Then decided that they screwed it up enough by making it a one player spectrum conversion. As you can probably tell, This is going to be a bad review. You're right! Yeahh!, because around a month ago, I got a list of games to review and beside the name Bionic Commando, he wrote "Rip it to shit!" Well Mr. Thacker, your wish has been granted! I was going to tear this one apart anyway so without further a do! I dedicate this grilling to Kevin Thacker from Glochester! (errr.. thats Gloucester.. but close enough... Kev)

On second thoughts....

Tree climbing, parachuting, and just plain shooting is what you're gonna get here. Enemies spring from all directions to prevent you from getting any further than the forest. You're armed with a gun, and ammunition, you must reach your goal within a time limit to proceed to the next level. Succeed, and it's into the base, you go! Fail and it's time for an early retirement, in fact, a permanent retirement! (The gun is shit, um one bullet per screen, oops have I just died again? - Kev) Extra time and energy are up for grabs as they fall from the sky (also from parachutes!). (Those are parachutes?, cant tell from the shit graphics - Kev) If you are fortunate enough to get your hands on some of these then you can survive that little bit longer!

The good?, not much I'm afraid. Disgraceful graphics and sound straight from the speccy +2 haunts us. Pray tell, what did we ever do on the Spectrum? We bought them out (big mistake in my opinion) and this is how they pay us back! Give me a break. Playability, let me tell you something about playability! The game's too f**king hard! that sums it up! I'm sorry if this seems more like a lecture than a review, but to tell you the truth, It's not worth reviewing, never ming playing! Honestly you would have a better time locking yourself in the bathroom and @*&()^% "&%^H&%( silly. (Bionic Arm to the rescue? ;) - Kev)

THE END RESULT:
Dreadful speccy port, poor sound doesn't help.
Control is bad, movement can be sluggish.
An insult to the CPC's capabilities.
Do yourself a favour, forget about this and get Gryzor instead.
THE BOTTOM LINE: 34%

Kev's comment:

First I apologise for the marks, here are mine:

GRAPHICS 1% What is that? Oh doesnt matter. Just black and white things.
SOUND 0% I get more sound chucking a brick through a window.
PLAYABILITY 0% Who would ever want to play this?
VALUE -100% If you have bought this you should stand in the middle of a field surrounded by hundreds of people taking the piss
OVERALL -200% No comment.

This game is the worst I have ever ever seen. The graphics are apalling, the scrolling is very bad, the animation is almost non-existant, it has a ridiculous multiload, there is fuck all sound, and to be honest, I would love to find the programmer and just take the piss out of him for years and years. My mum could program better than this, and she barely knows how to use a computer. I reckon they took the Speccy version ripped out all the good bits (not many), stuck in some pause loops, added some appaulling graphics, play random beeps every now and then. And thought "that should do it"

Steer clear of it....